Friday, July 8, 2011

"I'll have a scoop of everyday stress sprinkled with infertility..."

   The first thing I want to do is thank Genevieve and her friends for the warm welcome to my little blogging adventure. It means a lot. In the past months, I have read Genevieve's blog along with several others and sympathized, have been comforted, and cried with some of the writers; most of which have been struggling with infertility for far longer than I have. The common theme I have found in all of the blogs I have read is faith. Although everyone has their bad days, the majority of the posts are hopeful. They have given me faith on days when I thought I had none left, so thank you.
   Having days where I feel like I have no faith left makes me feel weaker than I would like to admit, especially after reading some of the posts I have. I can't help but think, "these women are so much stronger than I am...", and it makes me wonder how I will handle this in 2 or 3 more years. There is a lot I fear saying aloud, afraid mostly if I do that it will become a reality.
   With all of the things going on in my life other than the baby issue, by the end of today, I just felt like the walls were closing in, like the weight on me is going to make my legs give out, so much so I couldn't decide on red or white wine, so I bought a bottle of both. Now on my third glass of wine, I realize some of the weight has a lot to do with my fears, so in an attempt to overcome them, I'm going to blog them. It's not really saying them out loud, but it's a step in the right direction...I think. So here are my two biggest fears:
   I'm afraid that one day I will be told I will never be able to have a child of my own, and if that happens, I'm afraid that Billy will decide I can't give him everything he deserves and leave. (I just want to clarify, he has never given me any indication of this, and has been more supportive than I can say through it all so far)
   I think it goes beyond fear though, I feel guilty for being unable to do the one thing that is supposed to come natural to me. I want more than anything to be a mother, but equal to that, I want to make Billy a father. I want to give him a child, and the thought of not being able to do that breaks my heart.
   And beyond the guilt is the anger. I think this is the strongest of feelings at this point. I am on a break from hormones in hopes that my cysts shrink on their own, losing time that I could be trying. Meanwhile, it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant. I don't dislike people for getting pregnant when I can't, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter. Three people this week alone told me they were pregnant, and then I have a night like tonight, where I have a couple of glasses of wine and ask the pointless questions. Why me? If the doctors had done their job when I was 15, would I be having this problem now? Is there something I should have done differently? All of which are impossible to answer, which surprise surprise, makes me angrier.
   I don't like the feeling of having no control over what is happening, so I accept it, and continue to have faith, what other choice do I really have?

4 comments:

  1. Believe it or not, "Faith" is actually my middle name... and a frontrunner for a name for a sibling for Petite. If we get that far that is. You have to have a whole lot of faith to get through IF and all that it throws at you. The best advice: take one day at a time, continue to put one foot in front of the other. You WILL make it.

    We all have those fears. Blogging about them is good.

    By the way... a little wine now and then is good too. Indulge and enjoy. :) And welcome to the world of us infertility bloggers. *hugs*

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  2. Hey...I think the journey of IF is cyclical. You might catch a really positive and hopeful post on someone's blog, but that doesn't mean they don't have other posts that are full of fear and doubt.

    That's why I love this community...when you're having a bad day, there is always someone out there who is having a good one, and can pull you up :)

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  3. Stopping by from LFCA. I have a post on my blog that is very similar to this. My biggest fear is my hubby realizing that someone else could give him what I can't. In my head I know this is unlikely to happen, but the heart doesn't listen to reason (especially when its pumped full of hormones!).

    I hope your break from the hormones takes care of the cysts. I look forward to hearing your story.

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  4. Hi, Nice post thanks for sharing. Would you please consider an intro to my website on your next post, I’ll return the favor. Please email me back. Thanks!

    Aaron Grey
    aarongrey112 at gmail.com

    Insurance blog

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